


Firsts

by VikingOfTheNorth



Series: In which Kakagai is featured prominently [1]
Category: Naruto
Genre: First Dates, First Kiss, First Time, Fluff, Friends to Lovers, I'm actually working on a bigger project but then decided to write some good kakagai, KakaGai - Freeform, Kakagai is otp we need more fics so i had to contribute, M/M, No Smut, No graphic sex, One Shot Collection, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Romance, Trans Hatake Kakashi, english is not my first language, what even is tenses in english??? i had to edit half this fic bc i fucked it up
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-02-14
Updated: 2019-05-20
Packaged: 2019-10-28 11:57:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 8,009
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17786951
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/VikingOfTheNorth/pseuds/VikingOfTheNorth
Summary: Gai and Kakashi have had many firsts. The first time they met, their fathers’ shadows looming above them, their first spar, over in 5 seconds, their first OFFICIAL challenge, and so on and so on. Those are the moments people know about, but of course, there are others.Their first kiss, the first time they wake up in the other’s bed, the first time they sleep together, and their first real date. Most people don’t know about these, but that’s okay, the two of them are just as happy to keep it to themselves.





	1. Their first kiss

**Author's Note:**

> Whooo! Finally posting a fic here.  
> I wrote this in one sitting, then edited it in another. It was just supposed to be something short and sweet, something to get the Kakagai-feels out of my head so I could concentrate on my other fic, but that was NOT what happened. 
> 
> I hope my fellow shippers will enjoy this, and bear with me, as this is supposed to be a small collection of one-shots that I can write when I need to create something smaller -I have no planned posting schedule (though I have a good idea of what I want to write). 
> 
> Anyway, I hope you'll enjoy this!

The first time they kiss, they are sober, surprisingly enough. This is not because Kakashi hasn’t been thinking about Gai in a romantic way for a long time and has realized that living without him would be oh so much worse than his life currently is. Neither is it because Gai hasn’t been aware that he loves his Dear Rival in more than a platonic way, and that he is indeed one of his precious people. No, the surprise comes form the fact that Kakashi would never admit his feelings first (that emotionally constipated shit), and Gai would never force his feelings on another person unless he was absolutely, 100% sure they were reciprocated. 

So, how the heck did it happen, then? Three very drunk and observant, jounin ask, when they’re all gathered in Gai’s apartment. Gai grins, cheeks red, and tightens his hold on Kakashi, who has his face buried in the other’s neck, hand slack around a half empty bottle. 

They had been sparring. Gai could feel his muscles burning pleasantly, though no normal person would even dream describe it that mildly. Kakashi was sitting slumped over, exhausted -of course, like any good ninja just training, he was not so exhausted that he would not be able to fight enemy ninja immediately, should the need arise. Gai was sitting beside him, head tilted towards the sky, thoughts tumbling through his head. 

He wanted to invite Kakashi to his apartment, had almost done it multiple times. Today, he would. New, cold, sweat broke out on his hands. If Kakashi said no…  
NO! Gai had to ask, if he didn’t, he would walk 100 times around the village on his hands! He challenged himself like this because even if his spirit waned (even though a ninja’s spirit never should) he could always count on his body! And anyways, he was sure Kakashi would be more agreeing after a workout like this, tired as he was.

Gai’s breath shook as he turned his head to the other shinobi. Kakashi was still there, now also gazing at the sky. He was so handsome…

“Kak-“ Gai broke off, then jumping up with overdone moves to try and mask the crack in his voice, he shouted: “KAKASHI! DO YOU WANT TO EAT AT MY APARTMENT?!” The other winced and looked with a narrow eye, stone cold. Gai’s heart was trying to beat its way out of his ribcage. Kakashi scrutinized him for a moment longer, then he looked away, still red form the workout. 

“Sure.” 

Gai had to visibly keep himself from punching the air.  
They arrived at the apartment a couple of minutes later, Gai opting to walk at a leisurely pace as to please Kakashi, though he probably shouldn’t have bothered as Kakashi kept his face in his book. That God-awful offence to literature (not that Gai could be one to judge, he didn’t read any non-fiction himself, and in fact rarely read anything at all outside of mission scrolls).

When Gai unlocked the door and dismantled the traps he hurried to his kitchen counter to pull out ingredients, automatically preparing for curry, before catching himself. He didn’t really have the ingredients for miso-soup, or even an eggplant for that matter. He didn’t want to go shopping either, eying the empty fridge he didn’t get to fill before leaving to find Kakashi. Kakashi could end up deciding to end his visit and leave.

Curry it was -but, Gai supposed, he could make it milder, for the sake of his Rival. He quietly resigned himself to mild curry and hoped that Kakashi would one day know of the Great Sacrifices Gai made for him. 

In the meantime, Kakashi had kicked of his sandals at the door like he owned the place, and was now sitting at the table, headband off, still reading, or pretending to. Gai could feel a cribbing in his stomach, one that didn’t disappear as he turned around to start. 

Gai worked quickly, and soon they were both seated at the table, each with rice and curry. Gai didn’t notice he forgot the glasses of water until he was already sitting, but he didn’t move. Kakashi didn’t comment it, maybe thinking it was a challenge. For the most part, they sat in silence. Gai had taken the first step, but he still hesitated at the second, more important and concrete step. Still, Maito Gai is a man like his father, and a man of action who is not deterred. Not by anything, even his feelings for his Rival. 

“Kakashi, I…” He trailed off and could not keep himself from feeling like a failure, the knowledge pressing him into the dirt. He promised his papa he would never think like that. When Kakashi came with one of his typical replies, Gai felt the weight slip off his shoulders. “Hm, what is it? Just spill it, Gai.”

Puffing his chest out a little, Gai asked: “Kakashi, if we were part of your novel, what part would we play?” The answer came almost immediately, almost, which means that that genius brain took time to think it over before answering. “Background characters.” 

That was not the answer Gai wanted, and not how Kakashi was supposed to interpret the question, and he knew it. “No, what if, if one of us were a woman? Then!” He stopped himself from shouting, but he could see it in the crinkle of Kakashi’s eye that he knew he had managed to aggravate the green-clad jounin.  
“Oh?” Gai expected Kakashi to make a joke, to take a jab at him, but Kakashi admitted later that he too wanted to know if there could be anything between them (of course not by asking, because then there would be no uncertainty about his feelings and no turning back).

“Well, I suppose we would be the main characters then”, Kakashi replied. Without his mask it was easy to spot the twitch of his lips. Gai clenched his fists under the table for a moment, before loosening up. “And that would entail?”  
Kakashi’s elbows slid over the wood, bringing him closer. “Well, Gai, of everybody I know in this village, you should know what these books are all about -you’re always complaining about them.” To his credit, Gai managed to keep calm and avoided sputtering. 

“It depends. How -how far are you into the book?”

During the conversation Gai had been leaning over the table more and more, but now he noticed that Kakashi had been doing the exact same thing. If he breathed to hard, his breath would ghost over Kakashi’s face. 

Gai looked at Kakashi’s eye, letting his gaze roam over Kakashi’s scarred eyelid, darted to his mole, and returned to his eye, staring intently. Gai’s lips were so dry, but he was afraid to open them, to let Kakashi see any of his imperfections, instead opting to let his tongue peak forward to wet his lips. It was not enough, they were still dry. His eyes went to Kakashi’s lips, and when he looked back up to the other’s eye again, it was staring at Gai’s lips. 

He lifted his hand, wincing as it jolted the table, and froze for a moment. Kakashi smirked to himself, and Gai wondered if the mood had been ruined. Then Kakashi leaned a centimetre, a millimetre further. Gai looked at him, and he saw the way Kakashi looked at his lips, now barely daring to look Gai in the eye, but doing it non the less.  
Did Kakashi want this? He must have, Gai reasoned as his hand came to rest on Kakashi’s cheek, thumb brushing the bottom of his scar. Kakashi wouldn’t move, so Gai did.  
He rose to his knees and brought their lips together. He could feel the other exhale through his nose, the air hitting his chin. Kakashi’s lips were warm and felt so good. He could taste the spice from the curry, faint and mild, but there. He parted his lips without thinking, and Kakashi responded. 

Tongues intertwined, sliding against one another. Gai let an embarrassing sound escape -where did his formidable body control go? Fortunately the embarrassment did not last long, as Kakashi responded in the same way, and Gai felt two hands settle on his face, drawing him forwards.  
His knees ached, and his position was weird, but Gai was afraid to stop. He was afraid that if he stopped, Kakashi would leave. He was afraid that Kakashi would regret giving in, because there was no way that Kakashi did not want this, Gai was sure now, but he also knew that Kakashi had a myriad of problems with intimacy. This was fragile, but Gai needed Kakashi to understand that this was okay, that Kakashi could have this, and more. 

So Gai pushed for more, and -and that may have been the wrong thing to do, because Kakashi made a chocked noise and withdrew. Gai let him, and felt shame burn on his face, mingling with his happiness.  
Kakashi looked at the table, avoiding the confrontation, but he kept his mask down. He sighed. “Gai…” When he didn’t continue, Gai let the silence settle. He couldn’t get his breath to even out. “Thanks for the food.” 

Kakashi reached over the table, and grabbed the empty bowls in front of Gai, then took his own as well to the sink, and started washing them. Gai turned around where he was sitting, watched the automatic movements of the grey-haired teen. Could they even be called teens? With what they have done? 

Gai rose and walked over to the sink. He stood there until Kakashi could not avoid either talking or running away. When the bowls were clean, Gai grabbed them to put them in the cupboard, felt a fleeting touch of their hands passing between them. “Gai, if we were two characters in any other book than Jiraiya’s, we would be best friends”, Kakashi murmured, looking at his hands. Gai felt his heart squeeze, as if pierced by a senbon. “But”, Kakashi continued, turning to face Gai, “this isn’t fiction, and there is no audience to sell a wish-fulfilment to.” He stepped closer, but his hands stopped halfway between them, hovering in the air. 

“So, I would be happy to come over again.”


	2. The first time they share a bed

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Anko tries to intrude upon their relationship, but doesn't quite get her way.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I fucked up the tenses AGAIN! Why am I like this? 
> 
> Anyways, thank you all so much for the feedback, it really gave me the push to write this (and proof read one more time)! 
> 
> About Kakashi being trans, yeah, he is. I am cis, so I won't go into details or try to describe how it feels or the life experiences of trans people, since I could never even imagine how it would be. I still hope the mentions are still somewhat accurate. I don't think Kakashi could really afford to take top-surgery at this point in his life, with him being needed in the field and other missions keeping him occupied, so that's how it'll stay for now.
> 
> I hope all you wonderful people enjoy this chapter!

Every ninja worth their rank can tell you that you never get shit-faced drunk during a festival in your own village. No, you only do it when your _enemies_ are having a festival or celebration, and therefore most likely _not_ mounting an attack. In addition to that, when you decide to become shit-faced drunk, the chance of you being sent out on a mission should ideally be less than 5% (25% if you’re an especially important ninja).

_Yeah yeah_ Anko dismisses, _thas all well ‘n good, but when did you first **fuck**? _Only after asking does she knock back another shot, because Anko does not need to be (more) intoxicated to ask such invasive questions.

_The first time we slept together?_ Gai responds, scandalously. She nods her head, which quickly turns into headbanging, but Gai knows she is still paying attention.

Probably.

Kakashi shifts to look at her, and Gai sends him a subtle look, begging for help, and simultaneously begging Kakashi not to reveal every embarrassing thing Gai has ever done in his life. Kakashi shrugs and disentangles from his boyfriend at the same time. Leaning forward, he declares that he will be telling the story this time. He sends Gai a reassuring look, and therefore Gai remains silent.

It was late. Gai had just returned for a mission. So had Kakashi.

He had been exhausted, but instead of going to his own apartment, he had gone to Gai’s. Gai’s felt… safer, somehow. Being with him made Kakashi happy during a time when any positive feeling in his life was sparse.

Half-finished buildings and rests of rubble disappeared beneath him.

Before he reached the apartment complex, he took his ANBU mask off. Gai didn’t like it, he didn’t like Kakashi being in ANBU, and had made that very clear. Kakashi didn’t like Gai trying to involve himself like that. He felt his blood boil at the thought and tried to extinguish the fire before it could grow. He didn’t want to fight with Gai, especially not after both had just finished missions, when their ends were fried. Kakashi didn’t want to fight with Gai, he didn’t want to _ruin_ this (like he had ruined everything before. _Kami,_ he just wanted to be _happy_ , to not feel this sinking hole in his stomach every time he woke up.)

He sped up, and a minute later he was knocking at Gai’s window. Kakashi had known Gai was home, had seen the lights on his way to the Hokage tower, saw them as he approached, but his heart still beat loudly, shakily, as if the lights in the apartment would suddenly turn off and the curtains would be drawn closed.

The window sprang open. “Kakashi!” Gai’s blinding smile, still lined with exhaustion, met him where he had narrowly avoided getting hit in the face. He raised a hand, exclaiming his normal “Yo!”, but a similar smile was forcing itself upon his face. One that his eye could never convey.

Gai let him in, and Kakashi closed the window after himself, then drew the curtains. He slipped his mask off and leaned over to place a brief kiss on Gai’s mouth. The other brought his hands up to Kakashi’s bare face, and drew him in for another kiss, then added one more. Gai had told him multiple times, so Kakashi recognized the way he looked when he wanted to tell Kakashi what an ‘uttermost beautiful’ smile he had.

With the sweaty mask off it was easier to smell the fish Gai was preparing. “What, no miso soup?” he complained. Gai gasped, maybe only halfway-jokingly. “Rival, you know that you’re supposed to eat more fish than you are!” Kakashi waved his hand in dismissal.

The door to Gai’s bedroom was open, and the other man noticed him looking. Gai grabbed his shoulders and turned him around. “Go take a shower! I didn’t defrost enough fish for two, so I’ll do that in the meantime!”

Kakashi raised his brows, his sharingan briefly peaking open before he decided that one eyebrow would have to suffice.

Kakashi did as told and went to the bathroom, trusting the other to find some spare clothes for him. He got rid of the armour and gingerly placed the hound-mask by the sink. First now did he notice the splatters of blood adoring it. For some reason they irked him. He got undressed and stepped under the warm water, not bothering to start washing right away, trying to relax.

He let his mind wander. He and Gai had been together for a while now, and Kakashi wondered when, because he was sure that it was not about _if_ , but _when_ , they would have sex.

He started washing, a little hurriedly.

It felt weird thinking about sex, not like when he had contemplated it when he was younger -a distant thing he would most likely never do. And he had avoided thinking about it in quite a while. A year ago, there was not a single person in the village he would _willingly_ entrust with both the sensitive information sex would reveal and with having him distracted and compromised, but now there was Gai. They were closer than before, and that changed everything.

If Gai offered, if Gai _wanted_ , would Kakashi oblige? What if Kakashi wanted to? Did he? He finished rinsing but hesitated at stepping out of the shower. He wouldn’t be opposed to the idea, but the uncertainty still pestered him. He figured he should think about it, analyse his thoughts and wants while interacting with Gai, and wondered if that was unusual. A voice in the back of his head whispered that information gathering was crucial, especially for a ninja. Kakashi had to agree.

He didn’t look at the mirror when he passed by it, opening the door a notch to reveal two stacks of clothing. One was civilian clothes Gai had lying around, most likely for undercover missions, and the other was a folded and hopeful green spandex jumpsuit. Kakashi was sure Gai would probably propose to him right then and there if he ever put it on.

He reached out and grabbed the dark bundle, leaving the spandex dejectedly on the floor. He suddenly felt anxious at not having stopped by his apartment to grab a binder, and he didn’t want to put on the sweaty and dirty bra again. Neither could he use the bandages under the sink, Gai would chew him out and a fight would start. Kakashi sighed and unfolded the pants enveloping the other clothes. A tight-fitting t-shirt, reminiscent of his own sleeveless one, fell to the floor, together with a big and baggy black hoodie. Kakashi stared at the two, warmth blossoming in his chest, then shoved the hoodie over his head.

When he emerged after having done away with the towel and ANBU-gear, Gai was already putting spice on the fish. All too much spice. _Poor fish_.

Kakashi came up beside him and stopped him from destroying their supper, lax grip around his wrist. Gai looked at the hoodie he was wearing and smiled again. Gai was always smiling, grinning, beaming, showing off his teeth. “I’ll cook”, he offered. Gai’s eyebrows shot past his bangs. Kakashi gingerly placed the fish in the pan. Should he be offended at the surprise? He rarely cooked at his own apartment, but he still remembered how to ( _Obito and Rin sitting around his table, round eyes staring_ ). Had he never made food for Gai? Startled, he realized that he hadn’t, he had always ordered takeout. Gai always made food for _him_.

Suddenly there was a weight on his shoulders, lead in is bones, buzzing in his head and his breaths halted, all of this dwarfed by the frizzling of the stove. Gai was setting the table, Kakashi could barely see him in the corner of his eye. The other seemed happy with the mundaneness of it all, and, he was honest with himself, Kakashi would have to admit that he also enjoyed this. He remained frozen as his heartbeat slowed, then he jerked, because he was _going to burn the fish_!

Luckily, he managed to avoid that, and they were both able to sit at the table to enjoy the food and talk, remaining sitting for a long time even after every bit of food had disappeared. Of course, Gai talked the most, his mission wasn’t classified, so he could. Bandits Gai easily took care of, innocent people he saved and documents he brought to the village - _all in a day’s work for The Great Green Beast of Konoha_! Kakashi wanted to do the same, he also wanted to share a piece of himself, what he did every day, but he couldn’t. Looking at his empty bowl he wondered when it became something he craved.

As the night went on, Kakashi saw how Gai’s body language changed, how his striking poses came together slower and slower, how his shoulders sagged, and how he started blinking more and more. Kakashi stumbled to his feet and took the dishes to the sink. He immersed them in water but stopped there. He was tired, and it made sense when he looked at the clock. They had talked for over 2 hours!

Kakashi leaned against the counter, and waited as Gai noticed, then exclaimed how late it was. He probably wanted to go right to sleep. Kakashi should get going, but his hip stayed plastered right where it was. “Kakashi? Would you like to stay the night?” Gai must be a mind reader, not even hesitating to ask where he sat looking directly at Kakashi, not shying away. Though a blush still covered his cheeks. A couple of seconds stretched by in which Kakashi imagined every scenario this could lead to.

Gai would stop if he told him to, and Kakashi would do the same, and if nothing happened, then that was ok too. He gave a nod. Gai smiled in return, and went to fetch a second duvet, or a futon. Kakashi didn’t know. When preparing for bed Gai forced him to use his toothbrush, not letting Kakashi go to bed without brushing his teeth. “Dental hygiene is important! You don’t get a dazzling smile such as my own without it!”

When they fell into bed, because Gai wanted Kakashi in his _bed_ and not on a separate futon, Kakashi was no longer sleepy. He shuffled, trying to find a comfortable position. Thoughts spun through his head. How should they position themselves? Back to back, spoon, face to face? How close or far away? He sighed, he should probably just ask.

But Kakashi remained silent. He didn’t sleep. He stayed like that, frozen, until he couldn’t bear it anymore… and then kept quiet a few more seconds before whipping his head around. Gai was also awake, looking at the ceiling.

What came out was: “If this is going to become a normal occurrence, I’ll need a bag with some of my stuff here.” That… was not what he wanted to say, but it was true. He was still wearing the hoodie, even though it was warm and humid in the bedroom and the piece of clothing only added to the sweaty and stuffed feeling of his body. Gai hummed, nodded and turned his eyes upon Kakashi. Kakashi forced the words out: “Chould we lie closer?”

Gai brightened, eyes widening, and shuffled to throw an arm over Kakashi, who also wiggled closer. His lower back felt weird, he was too warm, but he remained as he was, only reluctantly pressed his face closer to the others’ neck-area, placing a brief kiss there.

Gai’s arm was heavy and felt misplaced where it rested. He could feel Gai’s breath on his face, and worried that his own was annoying his partner. He tried closing his eye, then opened it again to check on Gai. His eyes were closed, and Kakashi let his lose focus, staring over Gai’s shoulder until he also opened his eyes. Kakashi remained staring as he finally asked.

“Are we -are you thinking of sex?” Gai tensed, not looking at him either. “Ah! Rival! I did not realize that was your hopes for this evening. I- if you -I would not be opposed.” Shit, he misjudged the situation. Feeling the need to deflect, he only retorted “Ah, no. Just needed to know.” Kami, this was embarrassing. He didn’t have a mask to over up his blush.

He kept his eyes steady. When Gai tried drawing him closer, Kakashi’s started breathing again, and he could relax totally when Gai’s warm voice enveloped him.

“Kakashi, anytime would fit me… but I’m not exactly feeling it tonight.” Kakashi hastily nodded, then felt he should elaborate. “It’s OK. I wasn’t anticipating it or anything. -Just been crossing my mind lately.” And the last line felt like a tack on, like his _hip and cool attitude_ was being ripped to shreds in front of their faces. That pause was the canyon differentiating between being cool and casual and so intimate it burned.

“Rival, I will admit it has also crossed my mind.” Kakashi didn’t reply, so Gai continued, voice gradually rising “It is nothing shameful, it is only normal for a youthful body to long-!“  
Kakashi shoved his pillow in the other’s face, half a mind to choke the other to end his speech before it began. The other half still wanted Gai to quit but would greatly prefer NOT to injure or irritate his boyfriend.

When he let up, Gai’s eyes were wide, but he kept quiet. Then he smiled again, like the sun peaking above the Hokage monument, before flopping down into the pillow once more. Kakashi settled back against him, this time closer to the comforting warmth.

The night was full of shuffling, of changing positions, waking up to entangle or disentangle, shoving a leg out from under the duvet to cool down or draw it back to keep it warm. Staying still despite discomfort as to not wake the other up, and just looking into the comforting darkness of the room, smiling.

They slept together again multiple times before they ever had sex.

Anko is unamused.


	3. The first time they have sex (SFW)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Another inquisitor takes up the battle, and Gai learns of Kakashi's deflective techniques.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Soooo, school is kicking my ass, and that's all the excuse I have for the long delay. 
> 
> I have multiple prompts that can become potential chapters, but I'll have to see what I keep and what I get rid of, but know that one future chapter won't be all fluff and love, there WILL be conflicts in this relationship. 
> 
> Other than that I hope you enjoy the chapter. Constructive criticism would be appreciated, and reviews are cherished!

Most of the people around the table are looking at the pair with twinkles in their eyes -that means everybody except Asuma. Anybody who had spent more than five minutes with Kakashi outside of battle knew he would pull shit like this at any opportunity, and a clear majority of the table’s occupants are still fuming about being right.

In their drunken haze, some people seem to have decided to just move on-

_GAI! I CHALLENGE YOU!_

-and others have not.

Asuma, who had just sighed relievedly to himself, now whips around to face his partner: _Kurenai, I really don’t need to know that!_ But Kurenai’s twinkle is not as it once was, this is the look of Drunk Kurenai. Kurenai who would not be opposed to use a genjutsu to create some entertainment for herself. Kurenai who gets along with Drunk Anko splendidly.

Kakashi is too tired for this shit. Fortunately, Gai sees this, and decides to answer this time. Kakashi lets him, once again sinking back into the couch as Gai opens his mouth to tell another riveting tale.

It started as a passionate make-out session. They had had many before; wandering hands, small sounds, caressing and grinding. Thinking, thinking, thinking.

They were at Gai’s apartment again, it seemed to be where they ended up most often. Not surprising considering how he lived -Gai swore Kakashi’s apartment wouldn’t have fit him even when he was 5. Gai swore, he should have made Kakashi move a long time ago…

That train of thought crashed when Kakashi’s lips left his and instead settled on his neck. It tickled, and Gai couldn’t stop the giggle that escaped him. He threw his head away, but Kakashi continued his nibbling and nuzzling and kissing.

Gai would probably never tell him, but it was adorable.

That adorable trait quickly became more serious when the other ventured lower, and the hands which had spread fire along Gai’s shoulders and upper back now slowly slid down along his sides.

Since the first time Kakashi had brought up sex, they had talked more about it seriously. Gai had also thought about it, often too, often alone. He knew Kakashi was expecting it, waiting for Gai to give a sign, or waiting to initiate it, but he also knew that there was a big chance that Kakashi had asked out of nervousness the last time. A fear of Gai losing interest in him. But of course, Gai would consolidate his Dear Rival, he had nothing to worry about!

(Or maybe that was just Gai’s own nervousness, not that he would admit to not being on par with his Rival. If Kakashi was ready, then so was he!)

Kakashi had slowed down more, and soon came to rest his head on Gai’s collarbone, a hand on a spandex-clad thigh, halfway sprawled across the other man. Suggestive in every way. Gai pushed is vocal cords to move, starting hoarsely before he calmly asked. “Do you… want to take- or, go to the bedroom?”

Kakashi’s breath was so hot across Gai’s skin. “Yeah… If you’re ready.” Gai nodded so his brain shook, and Kakashi, noticing this, slowly slid off him. When he righted himself, he found one of the pictures on the wall enough to occupy his mind and eyes. Gai hurried to rise, not wanting to leave his boyfriend standing around awkwardly, not knowing where to look or what to do either.

Apparently, that did not help, as now, instead of one awkward shinobi standing around in Gai’s apartment, there were two.

It seemed like the heat form moments before had disappeared. Fiddling, he took a step back and gestured for Kakashi to walk first. The other stiffened, ninja skills taking over for a moment, before he stepped away. Gai followed, both abandoning the remaining alcohol on the table.

Gai hesitated at the door, wondering if he should close it. He hastily looked at Kakashi, who had his eyes glued anywhere other than Gai or the bed, before he closed the door. The resounding creak washed over him, and he winced briefly, then let out a breath and turned around fully.

Kakashi’s arms immediately enveloped him, almost chocking him, and Kakashi’s mouth once again clashed with Gai’s. It quickly calmed down to something more sensual, and it was as if they had to start from square one again, slowly at first, then gradually building up heat. They spent some time by the door, then on the bed, rolling around, before any garment hit the floor. And even as more and more skin was bared, it went slowly. Clammy hands explored.

Gai asked Kakashi for one last assurance, and got a light hit in the back of his head for it, before he opened his drawer. It seemed like Kakashi had almost forgotten to ask _Gai_ , before he grabbed his arm, stroking it, and smiled skewedly. Gai could only smile then.

(Gai sees how Asuma is about to inject, but stops him with a look and a smirk. Gai doesn’t goddam _smirk_ -)

Gai groggily came back to himself. Sometime during the night, he had let go of his partner and let the other hog most of the duvet. He shivered. He was cold, sweat and something sticky cooling his skin. He felt a faint soreness in some of his mulches, and the biting marks on his neck pulsed. He winced, gingerly letting a hand glide over them.

When he opened his eyes he saw the room illuminated by the rising sun, the sunshine bouncing off the walls and ceiling to attack his eyes.

He turned his head too look at the duvet-thief slumbering peacefully beside him.

His hair was tousled, and Gai could barely spot a mark of his own on the others neck. He didn’t look very good, but then again, Gai probably didn’t look too good himself. He noticed they both smelled a little.

Looking over the other’s shoulder, he saw a bottle of lube on the nightstand. Oh. Gai didn’t really think too much of it, still in a daze. There were multiple ways to _have some fun_ with your partner, as he had heard one teammate phrase it on a mission, so he wasn’t really sure about everything he had done last night -how far they had gone.

Deciding he didn’t want to wake Kakashi when he looked so peaceful, but knowing he could not _stand_ lying there another second, Gai rose form the bed. His legs were a little shaky, but he managed to not make a sound as he walked to the bathroom.

He was about to step into the shower, but something stopped him where he stood by the laundry basket. Looking down, he could see something in the trash. Something almost transparent, but not quite.

It was a condom. A used condom.  

Oh. _OH_.

They … oh wow. Oh, jeez.

They really ..?

Jepp, jepp, jepp, he remembered. All the way. Why had he not tried harder to remember before? It was a very… _pleasant_ memory. No doubt. He felt a tingling in his stomach, excitement and anxiousness swirling there. That may be why his body felt so weary. And why his mouth was so dry. And why there was a faint aching behind his eyes.

Or that was probably the alcohol.

There were some black sports in his memory, as there ought to be when he relaxed during drinking, letting his shinobi mind wander, but he could still recall some very specific things.

Like the feeling of Kakashi’s arms around his shoulders, and how it felt to grasp the others hips and middle. The way Kakashi’s breaths and gasps and small whimpers of pleasure and his complaints were hidden in Gai’s neck. He remembered how Kakashi bit him once. And his own groans and pants. He remembered planting his own face in Kakashi’s neck, placing his mouth there and sucking until a mark was left. Feeling satisfied at their matching neck.

But also the giggling and outright laughter. Stopping to alleviate some of the tension. Making an inappropriate joke. Having to stop because they were shaking with too much laughter. Kakashi’s smile mirroring his own. Kissing Kakashi after.

Gai hadn’t asked how it felt, if Kakashi was satisfied. He felt weird now, padding into the shower. Unsure of himself like he had not been in a long, long time. The fear of disappointing someone, of not being able to give Kakashi what he wanted or needed.

There was that voice again, mocking. Dai, Gai, any Maito. No talent. Nobody. Nobody, who will never amount to anybody.

Gai was a Genius of Hard Work, but here he had no experience. Here he had not had anything to build on. Without any innate talent, there was no reason for him to be anything other than horrible. Another failure. Had he been a genius, surely there would be nothing to worry about, but…

Gai didn’t let those thoughts bring him down, not like any other person would have, because he had trained his mind as well as his body to handle such hardships. Still, such thoughts unnerved him in a way he could not quite quell.

After his shower he went to the kitchen to make food, deciding to skip his training regiment when he saw the time, and realizing that being here when Kakashi awoke would be for the best. Both for Kakashi and their relationship. _Our relationship_ , he thought with a smile.

It was a simple meal, but Gai took his time, setting the table and cleaning away the bottles from the living room. He had already eaten some of the food when Kakashi entered, his clothes rumpled.

His dulled reflexes did not miss the widened eye before his boyfriend smiled, his mask around his neck, though he avoided Gai’s eyes.

“Did you sleep well, Dear?” Gai exclaims. He only received a small nod as Kakashi dropped down on the other side of the table. Another nod as Kakashi bowed his head over his sparsely filled plate and started eating. Gai was oddly reminded of Ningame.

They ate in silence, Gai deciding to let Kakashi do as he wished. When they rose to do the dishes, both standing by the sink as they were prone to do, Kakashi shifted away from Gai’s hand when it came to rest on his waist. By the time Kakashi’s hip swung back, Gai’s hand was already retracted.

“Sorry”, Kakashi said. He stopped to clear his throat. “You can place your hand back there.” Gai couldn’t help but raise his brows, leaning over the soapy water to look Kakashi in the eye. Again he was avoided, so he instead focused in the red covering the other’s face.

He slowly placed his hand back on his boyfriend’s hip, letting his entire arm rest across the other’s back. Slowly he leaned inn, little by little, and placed a kiss on the exposed neck.

Kakashi shuddered, and his breath caught. Gai placed another kiss there, and again, wondering if his lips were somehow too dry or too moist. All the dishes were clean, but Kakashi stayed still. Gai reached over the sink to hand him a towel. Kakashi barely managed to dry off hands before Gai occupied one to lead him away from the spotless plates and bowls and glasses. They ended up on the small couch.

His hands were sweaty again, but he only clasped the other hand more determinedly than before. It took a couple of deep breaths, a few wasted seconds, before he was able to ask if Kakashi enjoyed himself last night.

“Yes”, a small pause, “And you?” Gai stoked one knuckle. “Yes, I very much enjoyed our celebration of Youthful Passion!” He hoped Kakashi appreciated the phrasing, as he felt the other’s shoulders relax. “I hope I will remember more of it next time!”

The shoulders hunched up again. “Ah… did I- um- pressure you?” The question was absorbed by the silent apartment, and just Gai realized the implication. “No! Not at all, Rival!” He let go of the hand to sling both arms around the other man. “I would very much like to Repeat the Experience!”

Kakashi let out an audible breath, almost a chuckle, and griped the arms squeezing him. “Yeah. Maybe we should stay sober next time.” Gai could only nod. “Are you feeling well?” he asked instead.

Kakashi shifted in response, and they ended up lying down together on the sofa. “Yeah. It feels a little uncomfortable, especially when I, well walking is kinda weird. But it’s a small price to pay.” Then he added: “But, y’know, we could change it up some time.”

Gai let the clench in his stomach dissipate, looking down on the grey puff of hair on his chest and feeling the arms on his sides tighten. “Some other stuff? _Make out paradise_ -stuff?” Gai asked. He did not need to see Kakashi’s face to recognize the posture. That told him everything he needed to know; it **was** _Make out paradise_ -stuff.

He was hoarser than he thought he should have been when he replied. “Yeah, OK. …We could try it sometime.” Gai didn’t believe that he made a mistake, but if he had, it would all have been worth it for the tightening of the arms around him, the way the other buried his head deeper in his chest, and the small laugh that erupted from the other.

Kurenai leans back, apparently satisfied with the answer. It seems like her goal was not to get some juicy gossip or sensitive information on the two, but rather to quench some curiosity of hers.

(They all ignore Anko passing her some money under the table.)  


	4. Their first serious fight

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Every relationship has its ups and downs. Being a ninja makes it all the more dramatic. Especially with an emotionally constipated, newly dismissed, ex-ANBU.

Asuma drops his head to the table, groaning. _You’re such a goddamned perfect couple what is WRONG with you_?

Normally, in any other situation, Kurenai would look affronted, but now she just slumps back against the cushions, throwing her head back. Anko, who is sitting sideways in a chair with her feet dangling over the edge, nods. _You two ‘re weird. Do you evah fight?_  

Kakashi places the glass he has been fidgeting with for the past half hour back on the table. His face is devoid of creases or any glints in his dark eye.

_Yeah, of course we do. We argue about lots of things_.

_But have you ever almost broken up in a fight?_ Asuma asks. His head is propped on the back of his hands and there here is the beginning of a frown building between his eyebrows.

Kakashi picks the glass up again. _Yes, once. After I got out of ANBU, it got really bad._

The other jounin look at each other, Asuma and Kurenai with wide eyes. During the story, they avoid looking at Gai and Kakashi, instead inspecting the table.

After his dismissal from the Third and a brief visit to the memorial, Kakashi had gone looking for Gai, his hands twitching. It was daytime, and Gai was not out on a mission, so Kakashi went looking for him at the training-grounds.

He searched through two of them, unnoticed by the genin teams and their sensei there, before he located Gai, who was determinedly going through his daily training regimen.

Kakashi’s feet barely touched the ground, dry grass crunching beneath him, before he had half of Gai’s attention. The other half focused on keeping himself from getting his face buried in the dirt. “Rival! Are you here for a spar?” Kakashi shook his head as he marched over to the other, who jumped back to his feet and out of the hand-stand.

The silver-head grabbed an arm, warm from the exercise and sun, with spandex sticking to the skin beneath, and flew through the hand signs. The shining sun was replaced with a grey and dusty ceiling, the sound of nature and far off sounds of students training replaced by chatting form the street outside.

Kakashi took a step back before plummeting onto his bed. Gai was left standing, waiting for Kakashi to reveal what was wrong. Only after a long stretch of silence did the other finally tell him that he had been dismissed from ANBU.

“That’s great news!” Gai exploded, barely containing a jump and a punch which would have ruined the apartment’s ceiling and another tenant’s floor. His heart was beating erratically, a smile shining on his face.

He had spent too many moments, in-between training his students, himself, doing missions and actually spending time with his boyfriend, being distracted by concerns about Kakashi. Images of him dead in an ANBU uniform, bloodied and lying in the dirt, waiting to have his eye ripped out and corpse burned, plaguing Gai every other waking moment.

Kakashi exploded in another way. “Great? What the fuck, Gai?!” Gai almost took a steep back. For a beautiful moment, he had forgotten the reaction he had expected every time he imagined a possible dismissal. For one moment he had thought Kakashi would share his excitement, that the other would see how much better he would have it outside of ANBU. But of course, Kakashi didn’t see it that way.

Kakashi surged from the bed, and now stood face to face with Gai, shoulders tense. With a snare in his voice, he said “Of course you’re happy. You always wanted me out of there!” Gai didn’t look away. “It wasn’t healthy for you”, he said firmly. There would be no budging here, he would stand his ground. This was what Gai did every time he was on a mission, standing against enemies and often impossible odds, all to protect his home and his Precious People.

He would protect them now as well.

“You don’t get to decide that! You don’t get to decide what happens with my life!” Gai could see Kakashi’s muscles tensing.

Gai’s reply was calm: “We both know that if you had continued much longer, you would be killed.” That drove his boyfriend a step back, teeth still clenched painfully. “That will happen anyways. Where or how is none of your business.”

Gai ignored the implications for now, storing the memory for later, and followed his boyfriend. “It is my business. I protect my Precious People form harm. That includes from themselves!” He felt an uncomfortable warmth spreading through him and forced himself to take a deep breath.

“You don’t get it. I don’t want to teach some snotty brats.” “Kakashi, you need to move on.” Kakashi’s eyes narrowed. “ANBU _was_ my way of moving on.”

Gai’s breath suddenly caught, stuttering in his chest -utterly unbefitting of a taijutsu master. All those moments spent worrying resurfaced along with the restlessness and irritation. Why couldn’t Kakashi just accept what had happened and move on with his life?

Gai had waited. He had waited and waited and looked after him and been there all this time! Gai had wanted to let Kakashi recover at his own pace, not daring to put pressure on the already cracked glass, but this was _enough_. Gai had had _enough_. He had managed to move on, just like his father would have wanted him to do. Why couldn’t Kakashi do the same?

“ _No_ , it _wasn’t_! We both know that! In ANBU you were just stewing in your own misery. The darkness was consuming you!” “I was _fine_ ”, was the defence. Growled.

“No, you weren’t. We all noticed. Kurenai, Asuma, Genma, I -everybody noticed it!” The one grey eye was piercing.

“Is that why you tried to get me kicked out?”

Suddenly, looking at the quivering frown peeking out from under the headband, the shadows marring Kakashi’s face, and the tears Gai imagined pressing against Kakashi’s stubborn will, he felt his anger leave him.

The admission was reluctant. “…Yes. That’s why. We did.”

Another twitch, fists loosening. Kakashi marched past Gai, deliberately knocking his shoulder against the other’s, and throwing the door open. The “Get out” was almost inaudible.

Gai turned fully to face his boyfriend. “Kakashi, we need to talk.”

“I said. Get. Out.”

“You need help-“ Kakashi’s arm shot out like a snake, coiled around Gai’s bicep and began hauling him towards the door.

“GET OUT!”

Gai planted his arms on each side of the doorframe, blocking the exit and gripping the wood so hard it splintered under his fingers. “I will not. Not until you’ve calmed down and we can talk about this like adults.”

Kakashi shoved at his chest, knocking the air out of his lungs. “Get out of my apartment!” Gai caught his eye, lifting his chin.

“No.”

“Haven’t you already taken enough from me? You piece of shit!”

Gai just stared at him, not moving a centimetre. “I am not leaving you.”

“Get out!” “No.”

“FUCK OFF, GAI!”

In a flash, the ex-ANBU took a step back, pivoted on one foot and roundhouse kicked Gai in the chest. His breath left him, and his back hit a wall. His hands were bloodied with parts of the doorframe that had broken off. With wide eyes he looked at Kakashi, who stared down at him with the cold eyes of an ANBU captain. “Don’t come back.” The order made chills run up Gai’s arms.

Then the door slammed shut, rattling the nametag on the wall. Gai was left there with wood splinters in his hands for a long time after the lock had been turned and the traps and seals activated. Hands and heart aching, wondering if he had royally fucked up.

Left in his one room apartment, with stuffy air, dust on the furniture, clothing stewed around everywhere and a pot of old and dried out rice still in the heater on the table, Kakashi sank to the floor, hands tugging at his hair helplessly.

He had been doing _fine_ in ANBU. Konoha needed him there and he needed to be there. Itachi had just killed the entire Uchiha clan and Kakashi should have done _more_ and now he _needed_ to make up for another one of his mistakes (though he knew he could never make up for them all because they just _kept piling on_ anyways) but how the _fuck_ could he make up for it if _he wasn’t in ANBU_?

After years of service, he was being denied doing the only thing he was any good at. All because of his own fucking incompetence and others’ meddling? He didn’t even have his mask -lost to the winds of Fire Country.

ANBU was none of Gai’s or anybody else’s business. They shouldn’t have gotten involved in this part of his life. They had _no right_.

He was an adult. He could take care of himself. Make his own decisions.

_He was fine_.

… But they had all known that was a lie.

The others are finally looking at him now. Kakashi shifts in his seat and waves then off, smiling and commenting _I was such a brat_.

But those around him don’t smile. They don’t laugh.

It’s not every day a ninja opens up about their mental health, especially Hatake Kakashi. He can’t hide this behind smiles and eye crinkles, jokes and pranks. The people around the table know exactly what happened. How dark it got.

So Kakashi sighs, leans back, takes a big gulp of his lukewarm sake, and says _I’m okay now. Better, at least._

They can see he doesn’t want to talk any more about it, and the night is still moderately young, the mood is still good and there is still time for good conversations and more humorous stories. They avoid pushing any more, for now.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for being so patient, and sorry for the short chapter! Exam season is coming up, so next update may be some time away. I am still about how many chapters this story will be, I have a lot of ideas, but i think there at least will be 2 more!
> 
> Hope you all enjoyed this -feedback is appreciated!

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading! I would really appreciate some comments and constructive criticism!  
> Especially if are there any grammatical errors or weird wording, since that is what I need to work on for my class.


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